dry as sand
Got up this morning knowing half the bed would be empty, poor Justy was too warm and went to sleep in the basement at some point in the night. I always like seeing him first thing in the morning, sleepy Justy is adorable.
But I also woke up sorta aimless, sorta sad, sorta wishing we'd sell this place and move somewhere a bit further out with nicer views. Something we owned outright, maybe a bit smaller and a bit newer, with new windows, no yard, and a bathroom we love (and can actually use.)
I wouldn't call it a bad feeling, but I do feel like I'm missing some wind from my sails. Recent leadership changes at work certainly have me bummed - we lost a really tremendous leader, things are better by far than they were two years ago but the future's a bit uncertain. More so than usual, anyways. I don't exactly feel excited, either. On a few things, yes, on other things, not so much.
There is all too often a thought that "I just have to make it until ___" where ___ is some upcoming thing. The thing has been our 2 week holiday break, our Hawaii trip, and now my upcoming medical leave. All some kind of major break where very little to nothing is expected of me.
My boss, the CTO, the one who moved on to other things, she told me I really could go as far as I wanted. I genuinely just don't know how far that really is. Nearing 40, I guess you do have to really think about what you want to design your life around. It was never going to be kids, and I've always felt very certain if I wanted kids in my life, they would not be my own. Hobbies come and go, and while I value healthy living and physical activity, that is certainly not the main attraction. 20 minutes outside every day minimum, sure, and getting back into running (but so intermittent on yoga lately!) are all good, but again not something I've built my life around.
It's also not travel, and I am okay with that. I do like going places, new and revisiting. To see how a place changes (or doesn't) is interesting to me, along with just enjoying the familiar. I have some duality in seeking and enjoying novelty in some things (vehicles, technology) and worn patterns in others (media, games/game types) but that's probably not unusual.
So that kinda leaves work. It's not fulfillment or happiness I'm expecting from my work, though it often does help with both. It also leaves me entirely drained some days. Work and my relationships, I do not have a great deal of friends, close or otherwise, but I don't feel especially lonely, isolated, or outcast.
There is meaning in everything, I often move too quickly to really enjoy and soak it all in. Lately it just feels like full speed or hard stop without a lot of in-between.
now lemme get them swams! (i wrote this first, iykyk)